Having a really hard time right now. Feels like the olden days. I'm very nervous, I have gut rot. I can hardly form a sentence I'm so nervous and upset.

I can't get control over it. I don't mean to write this here but I don't know what else to do right now.

It's nothing life threatening or anything, it's just the same things happen every few years and I'm on edge like I haven't been in so long.

un-Popular

Ok, so 2 blog posts in one day - I know! Shocking!
I was just thinking about stuff and had a thought (I know, that's shocking as well!). I'm 31 years old yet there are times when I still feel like the most unpopular person/nerd/unaccepted. I sometimes feel accepted but then there are little things that make me realize that I'm not as sophisticated as some of these people and therefore, I am left out. I don't like that feeling. It sucks. It makes me very self-conscious. I come from Ypsilanti. One of the hotspots for Kentucky and Tennessee refugees of the early-mid 20th century because of the manufacturing jobs. Well, Ypsilanti is a lot like "down south." You will find people who have lived up here for 40+ years and still have a thick mountain accent. I seem to think that I have a lot more of those characteristics than not. Simply put, I feel like I am more white "trashy" then I originally thought. I think this makes a bad impression on people and therefore I am shunned sometimes because of my "rough edges" (rough edges compared to those around me). Sorry that I wasn't a drama kid or went away to camp when younger or traveled to Europe or that I don't live as green as I should or drink coffee or eat chocolate. I'm weird ok? I get it. Just don't treat me like I'm ok some of the time but not always. It's not cool to blatantly leave someone out. No one wants to be the last kid picked if you know what I mean.

From Wicked
Popular!
I'll Help You Be Popular!
You'll Hang with the Right Cohorts,
You'll be Good at Sports,
Know the Slang You've Got to Know.
So Let's Start,
'Cause You've Got an Awfully Long Way to Go!

Turkey Day (and it's aftermath)

Wow..what a week and it's only Friday. A belated "Happy Thanksgiving" to you all. I'm thankful for all of my friends and family, particularly around the holidays.
Yesterday was the holiday and I have been running ragged since last Saturday getting my house in order. Last saturday, the grandparents were gracious enough to take on bebe' so that myself (and husband...) could get the house cleaned for hosting Thanksgiving this week. Let's just say that I did that. Me, not husband, but that's fine. It's not a surprise *sigh*
So, after hours of tidying, my dining room table was in sight once again! It was no longer covered with baby clothes, diaper bags, extra purses, picture frames, etc. I also managed to file away papers like account statements, receipts etc as well as hang up many pictures of Emily that have been just laying around waiting.
Yesterday we hosted Thanksgiving with Kurin's family in attendance. Gay and Benjamin, Cyndie, Edwin and Tony, Kevin and Melissa, my parents and bebe'. Gay provided the turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing, C provided the mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn and pumpkin pie, I made rolls and green bean casserole, my dad made hashweh and my mom made a pineapple topped cheesecake and pumpkin roll. Whew! Talk about a TON of food (Bebe' wouldn't TOUCH it!)!
Today is Black Friday - time to go out and get those deals at all of the stores that are opening at 12 am, 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, obnoxious am. Geez! Well, as of yesterday, I am sick as a dog. No shopping for me! I am currently without a voice. This sucks. Especially when I am trying to call the FORD dealership to make an appointment for my P.O.S. car. ***tangent*** On Wednesday, as I was driving home from work, my gas pedal was stuck. This has happened very slightly now and again but seriously, I would brake say to let someone in front of me turn or what not and then when I'd go to give it gas, I couldn't push the pedal down. Do you know how scary that is??? It was kind of like I was in neutral but I wasn't. It was horrible! I told my husband so he told me to take it to a dealer. My car is also burning oil. Every time it's time for an oil change lately, the little stick has like nothing! I go in even before 3000 miles or 3 months and STILL low on oil. Haven't been able to find leaks so who knows. This car is a P.O.S. Literally. I have had little problems with it ever since I bought it. I bought it brand new so it's not a used one, I swear I got a lemon. I think the guys who made this one on the line were disgruntled or something. However, I will not give up on Fords. I love my Ford vehicles. I just hate this one. I had to get a new transmission last fall with only 60,000 miles on the car and it was only 3 years old! WTF?! I do not want to pour a ton of money into this car anymore. That transmission cost me about $2500 approximately 2 weeks before my baby was born. Nice... I am very grateful that I don't have a car payment at this point however if I have to get a new vehicle (even if it's a newer used vehicle), I would rather have a small car payment then a hassle every couple of weeks.
So, it really hasn't been the best of holidays. I hope Christmas time is better. I love the idea of the holidays but I never really enjoy them. With Christmas now, I am reminded of how many people have so little and it makes me so depressed. My mom took 2 angels off of the giving tree at church and one she took was a 64 year old man who would like socks, underwear and a sweatshirt. It absolutely broke my heart. How can I complain about my dumb car when some gentleman out there just wants some socks and underwear for Christmas. I wish I could help everyone. I get more depressed as the years go by. I give everything I can but it's not enough. I can't volunteer anywhere because of how I am. I would be a wreck the whole time. I'm much better at buying things for those in need or donating money. Just hearing stories, upsets me so much that I'm out of it for an hour or more *sigh* I'm very useless :(

So, I am not going to discuss this anymore, I have to get some rest as I am very ill and need to recuperate before returning to work on Monday.
Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody!

Because I Can Hardly Keep My Eyes Open

It's been a long day. Halloween celebration at work which is usually a pretty big deal. Everyone goes nuts..trust me..nuts. I'll post pics maybe tomorrow. It's insane. Anyway, the day started off on the wrong note. I was awakened at 4 am to bebe's gloworm playing music all of a sudden. I thought she woke up but she just hugged it. So of course could I sleep again? NO. I was up until 5:30 am when I thought, I better lay down for a bit more because "it's gonna be a long day." Yeah...nice that I woke up at 10 minutes to 8 am when I should be leaving. Not cool since I still had to finish my costume, make a CD for a friend and make sure I had everything to go. Grrr..
I managed to sew the last piece of my costume while standing in the kitchen and putting on my shoes. I still forgot Emily's diaper bag (because she would be joining me later in the day for my work Halloween party). *sigh* Well, I did pretty good considering.
By the time I got to work, I sat in my car to put my costume makeup on and I totally looked like a drag queen. It was disgusting. I was nearly in tears. I was so frustrated! I was also a complete b!tch. I felt quite upset that I was going to be the only troll so I looked and felt just dumb. I got over it though.
My dad was a bit late bringing bebe' to the party but it still worked out ok except for the fact that I dropped her socks in a puddle and therefore she had to go around in her adorable costume looking like a hillbilly with no socks on. *sigh again*
Something really bothered me today. There is a gentleman who works at work who is a little older than the majority of the employees. He is a fairly recent hire and is probably in his late 50s or early 60s. I saw that he signed up to bring something for the cookout and everything so I thought that was cool. However, at lunch time, I saw this gentleman and he was sitting at a table all by himself. It made me so upset. From the point I noticed this to at least the time I threw my plate away, no one had sat down with him. Did I? No. I regret this. I was starting to get very upset so I left to go find my dad and bebe'. I should have said hello and either invited him to sit with us or go sit with him. I wish I had. It's still bothering me. My momma told me that someone may have sat with him after I got up. I hope so. I wouldn't want to be in that position and I intend to say hello to that man on Monday and tell him that I really liked his green bean casserole :)
I get like this a lot...especially around this time of year. I start really feeling bad about things and can't get out of funks. I think it's seasonal or something.
We then left my work party and went to see Grandma at her work. We were both pooped. Did I get a nap? Nope. Had to send off an eBay item (woohoo!) and take care of business!
Well, this was sort of a ramshackle pointless post but perhaps tomorrow will be a better blogging day.

Always on My Mind

Today was a long, stressful day (but it was fun and worth it in the end). I thought I'd be asleep about 3 hours ago after Emily's big first birthday bash but I'm still awake because there are a few things on my mind.
1. What I thought was an incisional hernia probably isn't but it still worries because I'm not exactly sure what it is. Have I ever mentioned that I'm a hypochondriac?
2. I'm bothered that I tried to call a family member to see if they were coming to Emily's party (after not receiving an RSVP) and also to wish this person a Happy Birthday as she shares one with Emily. I left messages and never heard back. Another family member was able to get a hold of her. It just makes me sad.
3. I'm obsessed with GLEE
4. There's just not enough time for anything. I feel like I try to get things done but everything multiplies by 8 or something before I make a dent in anything like laundry, dishes, tidying up, etc.
5. I've cut myself down to 1 pop/day (well, today I fell off the wagon and had at least 2) in hopes of working on losing weight. I obviously have no time at the moment to dedicate a lot of time to exercise so I'm hoping that by watching what I eat and stuff I can at least give myself a kick start. I need to lose 92 pounds.
6. I'm obsessed with GLEE - see, I told you!
7. I miss Granny a lot
8. I need to finish this book! I'm loving it and need like a nice long afternoon or day off to just finish it.
9. I'm stressed. I just don't think my husband gets it.
10. My hands hurt because I dove for home plate this morning aka I fell on the sidewalk under the breezeway and slid across the pavement. Ouch.

More to follow on Emily's 1st Birthday....

Gut-Rot

My newest blog post was going to be about my fun weekend and things I accomplished but with the recent happenings at work, I don't have the heart to talk about such things.
Yesterday, the company I work for laid off a couple of dozen people and reduced the hours of another couple dozen. I've been here for 8 years and I've never seen it like this.
It was so sad, I can't imagine being in the position those people were put in. I feel empty, like a survivor of some kind of weird tragedy. I know it's happening all across the country and especially here in Michigan but no one here ever thought it would come to this.
So please keep my friends in your thoughts. We are/were a close-knit company and hopefully they can return in a few months.