Sunday, July 26, 2009
I'm completely drained.
I feel like I can't concentrate on anything.
I need a break.
I need to get away.
I've been told to take a day off of work. I really can't do that. If I were to just stay home one day, every little thing that needs to be done around here would pick at me and I wouldn't relax anyway.
I want a day to absolutely relax.
I don't want to have to worry about the baby.
I don't want to have to worry about my husband, K.
I don't want to worry about what I need to fix for dinner or what laundry needs to be done or that I need to vacuum so bebe' can crawl on the floor.
Do not get me started on my flooring. I need new carpet and linoleum (or something) on my first floor very bad. It sickens me. We also need a fence. We really need a fence considering what happened with Oreo last month. But hey, no one else around here seems to care and I can't do it all myself. I think that my husband thinks I can and/or will. Well, I can't.
I am slowly losing it.
I'm serious, my life is just on repeat. It's work 5 days, hustle home, go to the grocery store when I have time, have lunch with momma on Wednesdays, Danielle on Fridays and the weekends are just blah. Things should get done but they don't. I don't mean your basic household chores; I'm talking about the above things like getting new flooring, or going to a movie but no. So what do I do? I entertain my baby for about 12 hours a day because Lord knows she hardly naps :) Then, I go on facebook (which is my only connection to other people it seems like) and end up posting new pictures, writing to people and that's it. Oh and there's no time for any stuff like crochet or knitting because even when I do have time, I feel guilty and feel the need to vacuum or something.
I was supposed to go to Kentucky in May but had to cancel. I was supposed to go to the Basket Farm in May but it was cancelled. I was going to go to Indianapolis to visit a friend and that had to be moved because of another commitment. Grrrr! Now my cousin wants to know when I can go to Kentucky but I don't even know if I'm up to going! It almost seems like too much of a hassle. Also, my mom has mentioned going to Chicago in November for overnight. I don't think I can do it. I can't leave bebe'. I'd worry too much and wouldn't enjoy myself and to all of you saying take her with me..um, no.
I have also been beating myself up a lot lately because I let a lot of what some stay-at-home moms say to me, get under my skin. I take things way too personal. I know that. It just doesn't help hearing things that just make my blood boil. I'm sorry that I can't afford to stay at home and play all day and go to the gym and eat dinner out with friends every night and do all kinds of fun stuff - it's not that I don't have the money, I do but I can't blow my money like a lot of people do. I don't want to have my home foreclosed on ever, I don't want to rely on parents or others for money, I don't have credit card debt, and I don't ever want to have any. I don't live a life of leisure. I have a home to contribute to and my parents paid good money for my education (or lack there of but that's beside the point..) and I would feel something awful by sitting at home and wasting it. I know, I'm going to get called out by all the stay-at-home moms. Believe me, it's not all of you. In fact, it's only a couple. The fact remains that there are a lot of times that I feel very inferior because I work. I'm the first to admit that I'm jealous. Oh heck yeah I am. However, I love my baby more than I could love anything I thought I could. She is very happy and rarely cries. I'm very fortunate in that respect but it's just not an option for me to stay home. I guess what I'm saying, is that in an effort to keep my mind healthy, I am going to lay low from facebook and the like. I just thought I was able to handle the comments and such about "oh, you're not staying home with the baby?" and the like and I can't. I love my job. I love the people I work with - they're the reason I love my job. The science-y stuff is cool too. I guess I had to get it out.
To those of you who read this or "follow" me, please trust in me that it's not you.
I apologize for the worried, and whining tone this particular blog took. I promise my next one will be more fun! I really just needed to get it off of my chest.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
BIG EMILY NEWS: Bebe' has started crawling. Yay! She is so funny. She crawls all over now and loves to go after everyone's feet. She is also fascinated by feet at the moment, particularly those wearing flip-flops (and if you make them flip or flop, she loves it). Her favorite feet however are my dad's grotesque Fred Flintstone feet. Anyway, she is crawling all over. It's super-cute and she's really working up her appetite and then she gets super tired at night. It's so sweet. Unfortunately, this also makes me, mommy, very sad because I don't want her to get bigger anymore. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle her and I'm afraid of what the future holds for her. I will worry about that more later.
One more bright spot for the upcoming week - Drew & Mike are BACK!! Reunited tomorrow morning at 6am and I am extremely thrilled. I discovered them about 6 or 7 years ago and can't go a morning without them. I always feel "off" if I miss them - I even stream it when I'm out of town and in a different time zone. This is exciting and I hope they do well...I'm sure they will.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Also, I suppose I better watch what I say on Facebook as it seems I'm being "tattled" on. Some people seem to think I'm really "down" lately. Well, maybe I am but I write what I feel at that particular moment. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm really down. I am, but not that bad.
In other news, I am enjoying the latest books I'm reading. Right now I am reading Pillars of the Earth. I'm listening to Maeve Binchy's Heart and Soul on my iPod and really enjoying it. I owe a big thanks to Danielle and my mom for loaning me so many audio books. Danielle by sharing her DVDs and mom for checking them out at the library for me.
Until next time....
Monday, July 6, 2009
My mom and dad had their usual 4th of July cookout celebrating eating and my dad's birthday (go figure, the foreigner was born on America's bday) more than America's Independance but I digress. Granny was always a sweetie, but in the later years, she became really angry about cameras. REALLY angry. She would actually yell at us, well, snap at us if she so much as saw a camera in the vicinity. I had to explain to her when my baby shower was coming up that there would be cameras but no one would take her picture. She was so concerned about people taking her picture and she would talk about my mom and aunts and cousins by saying "everytime I turn around they've gotta stick that in my face." Truth is, once we knew it bothered her, we did everything to avoid that but she would still get mad. My cousin had a birthday party in the fall right after Emily was born. People were taking pictures of my cousin (it was her birthday), and/or the baby and Granny was all the way across the banquet room and had a fit! It was sad. I don't know why she got that way. Up until about 4 or 5 years ago, I have TONS of pictures of Granny and she was fine in them. Anyway, it was odd being able to take pictures at the cookout this year. I think Granny would have been alright. My mom and I had a good way of convincing her (truthfully) that we wouldn't take her picture. She probably would have been ok with it because of Emily. That is one thing I am thankful for. She did come to the hospital to see Emily after she was born and held her and let me take pictures of her doing so (she called me Sharon the whole time - something she never did before or after that day); she also came to my house a couple of weeks after we came home and we got a picture of our 4 generations: Granny, Momma, Myself and Emily.