Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another Wasted Weekend

Boo. Another wasted weekend. I feel like a skipping record. I know, I know, I always complain about not having plans or not going on vacation or anything but I am sorry.
I'm completely drained.
I feel like I can't concentrate on anything.
I need a break.
I need to get away.
I've been told to take a day off of work. I really can't do that. If I were to just stay home one day, every little thing that needs to be done around here would pick at me and I wouldn't relax anyway.
I want a day to absolutely relax.
No worries.
I don't want to have to worry about the baby.
I don't want to have to worry about my husband, K.
I don't want to worry about what I need to fix for dinner or what laundry needs to be done or that I need to vacuum so bebe' can crawl on the floor.
Do not get me started on my flooring. I need new carpet and linoleum (or something) on my first floor very bad. It sickens me. We also need a fence. We really need a fence considering what happened with Oreo last month. But hey, no one else around here seems to care and I can't do it all myself. I think that my husband thinks I can and/or will. Well, I can't.
I am slowly losing it.
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
I'm serious, my life is just on repeat. It's work 5 days, hustle home, go to the grocery store when I have time, have lunch with momma on Wednesdays, Danielle on Fridays and the weekends are just blah. Things should get done but they don't. I don't mean your basic household chores; I'm talking about the above things like getting new flooring, or going to a movie but no. So what do I do? I entertain my baby for about 12 hours a day because Lord knows she hardly naps :) Then, I go on facebook (which is my only connection to other people it seems like) and end up posting new pictures, writing to people and that's it. Oh and there's no time for any stuff like crochet or knitting because even when I do have time, I feel guilty and feel the need to vacuum or something.
I was supposed to go to Kentucky in May but had to cancel. I was supposed to go to the Basket Farm in May but it was cancelled. I was going to go to Indianapolis to visit a friend and that had to be moved because of another commitment. Grrrr! Now my cousin wants to know when I can go to Kentucky but I don't even know if I'm up to going! It almost seems like too much of a hassle. Also, my mom has mentioned going to Chicago in November for overnight. I don't think I can do it. I can't leave bebe'. I'd worry too much and wouldn't enjoy myself and to all of you saying take her with, no.
I have also been beating myself up a lot lately because I let a lot of what some stay-at-home moms say to me, get under my skin. I take things way too personal. I know that. It just doesn't help hearing things that just make my blood boil. I'm sorry that I can't afford to stay at home and play all day and go to the gym and eat dinner out with friends every night and do all kinds of fun stuff - it's not that I don't have the money, I do but I can't blow my money like a lot of people do. I don't want to have my home foreclosed on ever, I don't want to rely on parents or others for money, I don't have credit card debt, and I don't ever want to have any. I don't live a life of leisure. I have a home to contribute to and my parents paid good money for my education (or lack there of but that's beside the point..) and I would feel something awful by sitting at home and wasting it. I know, I'm going to get called out by all the stay-at-home moms. Believe me, it's not all of you. In fact, it's only a couple. The fact remains that there are a lot of times that I feel very inferior because I work. I'm the first to admit that I'm jealous. Oh heck yeah I am. However, I love my baby more than I could love anything I thought I could. She is very happy and rarely cries. I'm very fortunate in that respect but it's just not an option for me to stay home. I guess what I'm saying, is that in an effort to keep my mind healthy, I am going to lay low from facebook and the like. I just thought I was able to handle the comments and such about "oh, you're not staying home with the baby?" and the like and I can't. I love my job. I love the people I work with - they're the reason I love my job. The science-y stuff is cool too. I guess I had to get it out.
To those of you who read this or "follow" me, please trust in me that it's not you.
I apologize for the worried, and whining tone this particular blog took. I promise my next one will be more fun! I really just needed to get it off of my chest.
Take care....


Whatifer said...

You and I need to talk. Period. I was once where you are now.

Jobi Harrell said...

Per comment left above: We were all there once. Heather, I don't know the details but continue to just go on being just who you are. I have so much to write to you I should Blog in response! You rock. Bebe rocks more and life will never slow down (and that's a good thing once you submit to never being fullly finished with anything)! Love you bunches.